Pretends to be Dumb; the average geek

Relics - a Harsh Review

My friend has a website and a little band:
Pit of Despair's and Goggle Boy's Official Website
His little band released a new album called Relics which I have chosen to review. I did this quite harshly, but I got his approval to be mean about it before I started writing it. No hard feelings are represented but I had fun doing this. I think he also had fun making this.

I have chosen to rate tracks in terms of what they'd be worth on iTunes. The lowest it can go is a penny and the highest is almost nearly a dollar. Of course, on iTunes, you pay the same whether or not it sucks or rocks, but I have chosen to ignore this because I don't want to let facts get in the way of a rating system.

Behold my review below:

1. The Pit of Despair
The track opens strongly with some quality guitar-work. It even has some quite catchy lyrics I shall reprint:
RERRRRR!!!!
RARRRRR!!!!
DESPAIR!!!!
Its actually a good song which might have some real value.
Value: $0.99

2. I Feel Lost
This track is a quiet and somber one. It feautres some decent, albeit simplistic playing that sounds alittle acoustic. The track manages to trail on the end of mediocrity and only occasionally tends toward the crappy end of the spectrum. It is again, a massive improvement over previous works.
Value: $0.32

3. Get Up
This song is repetitive, simplistic, and boring. The vocals in the song are weak at times and expose the limitted range of the singers. Fortunately, it is short so not all is lost.
Value: $0.02

4. Unfathomable Mayhem
This song stays pretty much instrumental, and most of it features quality guitar-work, however, about a minute before an end, it tends toward a very different sound that seems to be jagged. Going from short riffs to a DUNT! DUNT! DUNT! style fo play. Its actually a surprisingly interesting song, but not very great. I still think its worth hearing because the first half has interesting compositions.
Value: $0.51

5. El Zorro
The track starts out with some good guitaring. (I think they're using loops in some music-making program as it is very repetitive.) Unfortunately, this elegance is lost when the lyrics start. It sound like the voice is clipping the microphone, but upon further scrutiny, I realized it was actually just weak singing. There is one point where one of the singers says "Hola!" and that sounds pretty good. The song is too loud though and too samey. It is weaksauce.
Value: $0.31

[NOTE - I have been informed that this is not a looping program, but rather, it was just kept on-time very well. I am simultaneously impressed and disapointed. LeBeau said also that the only utilization of post-production was in Track 1. So disregard my comments on looping wherever they are.]

6. The Devil
The first two minutes of this track are good. They are instrumental. The next part makes it one of the only tracks on the album to have decent vocals. Unfortunately, that only means the first three minutes are good. Then in the lat 30 seconds, the singer does something totally stupid. Its barely describable but it sounds like very bad rap music where the MC rhymes "dope" with "dope" and that is the only word in the line. Its a shame, because this song could have been their surprise hit.
Value: $0.74

7. Don't Smell So Close to Me
This is quite possibly the worst song ever. I mean that. Its Ben LeBeau going, "BLEEP BLAP! BLABLA! over and over with a guitar loop in the back. I have half of a mind to expect to be paid to listen to that kind of thing.
Value: -$0.16

[NOTE - Some people may be worried that I was too harsh. LeBeau had this to say in response to my review: "hahahahahaha" and "o man thats great"]

8. Itty Bitty Boy
There is very little instrumental music in this track, and LeBeau sings. He manages to stay on tune most of the time and it isn't too bad. But occasionally, he loses control of his pitch and something bad happens. The track goes temporarily from mediocre to shit.
Value: $0.21

9. I Am a Romantic
The guitar is out of tune, but it seems to work most of the time. The singing is also surprisingly not execrable. It is quiet, subdued, and almost pretty even. Honestly, I was surprised until I hit the 1 minute mark. LeBeau throws his voice out of its range and ruins a lot of the beauty in the song. However, that out-of-tune guitar is pretty enough to resuce the song from shittiness.
Value: $0.71

10. Waiting
Thsi track is instrumental and features a nice albeit minimalistic composition. Its a surprisingly enjoyable listen.
Value: $0.89

11. Relics Intro
Repetitive haunting guitar notes and a depressed-sounding voice introduce us to our next song. It doesn't exactly sound bad. There just isn't much there.
Value: N/A I don't think its really fair to rate this one alone as its just a part of the next song.

12. Relics
Decent vocals and the same kind of haunting guitar as in the previous track lead us into the song. It sounds organioc and pretty. But its a tad longer than necessary and a ways more repetitive than it deserves to be. It never reaches any kind of climax and fails to realize any kind of potential.
Value: $0.63

Final Value:
$5.17

Average Track Value:
$0.47

posted by the magnificent Cy "Brazanthr" Parker @ 3:03 PM

Bow down to my awesome-ness for I am nifty!